Sacrifice Jake Locker to the Rancor (Jerry Jones)
Time to put that ridiculous scoreboard in Texas to use. Imagine Jake Locker being dropped from the center of Cowboys Stadium into a pit with Jerry Jones salivating and awaiting his meal. If Jake Locker can prevent being devoured (Luke Skywalker also overcame the odds), then the NFL owners must submit to the player’s demands. More than likely, though, Northern America will witness Jones feast on the remains of a promising NFL quarterback, while Tony Romo dines in a box seat on 100 dollar pizzas.
Collect Refunds from Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, and JaMarcus Russell
No greater theft in the history of the NFL has emptied the pockets of owners faster than these three busts. Maybe the owners would be more open to negotiating contracts if there was a return policy in place.
Tax the Poor
The poor already don’t have enough money, so why not take everything they have and give it to the NFL owners. Its not like beer, tickets, and memorabilia won’t take all their earnings eventually anyway.
VH1 Reality Show
Want to end the NFL Lockout quick? Two episodes on VH1 and it would be game over. Although, watching Roger Goodell and Al Davis breakdown the key issues in a jacuzzi may push it to three episodes, the NFL Lockout reality show would garner usual ratings for a VH1 program.Meaning the only airtime it would get would be when Joel McHale makes fun of it on The Soup.
Threaten to Bring Back the XFL
Nothing would put the fear of God into players, fans, and owners more than the possibility of having to sit through the B-Movie version of the NFL once again.
Substitute all NFL TV Programming with the Movie Pathfinder.
Karl Urban still hasn’t watched this movie all the way through. Gone would be the days of NFL Follies and Top 10 Quarterbacks of the 90’s on the NFL network. No longer would viewers be able to watch Terry Bradshaw slowly succumb to Alzheimer’s on national television. Instead the unlikely story of a Viking to finds out who he truly is, when he least expects it would drown out all memories of happier times.
Pray for a Release from Soccer Hell
What will fill our televisions without football? It could be soccer and that means one thing; we have all died and we are now in purgatory. Light as many candles as possible and hope that you weren’t too much of an asshole in your previous life, because that is the only way to won’t be stuck watching a sport for the impoverished.
Put it in a Bathroom with Ben Roethlisberger
What’s that NFL Lockout? You won’t do what I want and end? My friend Big Ben has a special present for those who don’t do what they are told. Please step into this restroom here at Deja Vu and find out what awaits those who don’t just “go with the flow”.