Pop Culture Enlightenment


As the sports world has lacked any major news events recently, I’ve decided to branch out just for one article. These are troubling times in America and here is some advice that may just turn your life completely around.  Plus, in the spirit of April Fools Day, why not embrace my new life as a Pop Culture writer.

The correlation between a deep understanding of pop culture and living a higher quality of life is obvious. I have developed three key concepts that will propel your dark and meaningless life into a new realm of enlightenment. Some of these concepts may seem absurd and contrite. I assure you, they certainly are not. Read them, contemplate, and watch your ability to grasp the meaning of life come straight into view.

Jack Bauer and Athos are the same person:

When Kiefer Sutherland accepted the role of Jack Bauer on the popular show 24, he had no idea the eerie parallels that would take place between his new character and Athos of Three Musketeer fame. Dark, brooding, a deep pain in his past is just a few of the similarities. The willingness to serve his country no matter the cost also makes sense. In fact, without Athos, Jack Bauer as we know it would not exist. What is the point of this you ask? Simple: Hollywood never changes. There is no progression. You can find these parallels with nearly every actor. We strive on that kind of consistency. In a world of unpredictability, mankind needs the Jack Bauer to be nothing more than Athos with a handgun instead of a sword.

Curly from City Slickers actually knew the meaning of life:

Billy Crystal finds that just “one thing” is the meaning of life, and “the rest don’t mean shit.” Cheesy, cliché, and predictable all come to mind when describing this scene. I also think I’m an idiot for thinking that. Curly knew exactly what he was talking about. Even the filming of an actual live cow birth could not distract me from that fact. Most feelings of inadequacies in life come from a lack of priorities. Curly was advocating the exact remedy to that problem. Find what is the most important to you and screw everything else. His words were so enlightening he won a Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Listen to Curly, find some priorities and watch you life become worth living.

Rhianna must have signed a Lifetime movie deal:

Whitney Houston thinks Rhianna is making a mistake. There is always a reason behind the madness. Is it love? Money? Or an utter disregard for common sense? Regardless, the masses can learn from the mistakes of a beaten singer. The story will go as follows, it is up to you to learn what you can. Chris Brown swears never to hit her again, goes to counseling, and she takes him back. One night he’s drunk again and looking for a way to suppress his own feelings of incompetence. Couple smacks and a bite later, Chris Brown decides to push it too far. A quick commercial break and Lifetime returns to its feature presentation. Rhianna finally gets enough courage to leave him thanks to a strapping young man played by T-Pain. The morale? There isn’t one. T-Pain has an auto tuner and doesn’t beat the hell out of you. That is progress. Unfortunately, that is the Lifetime version. Rhianna, like the rest of us, thrives on a pattern. Don’t be like a needy pop diva. Break free of the daily pattern and grow outside of your comfort zone.

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